Trigger for this blog is questions from some parents on how to handle questions from kids on the purpose of marriage. “Why should I marry?” appears to be a common question many parents are getting from their kids – and most are ill-equipped to answer this basic question. How does one even answer this question? There are many opinions out there based on personal experiences – but is there a perfect answer to this question? I do not know. I am noting below some reflections on this question – hopefully, this will help others looking for answers, or maybe it will not help 😂

There are only two lifestyles – as per आदि शंकर. Either become a सन्यासी or take on to a गृहस्थ. There is no third answer. Why did He say this? Let us return to आदि शंकर later and let us explore using normal common-sense logic.

Identity is central – we need an “other”

1. All of us get a certain identity because of the people around us
2. Our parents give us a certain identity – आज्ञाकारी बेटा, गुणवती बेटी, नालायक बेटा, etc and these expressions give us a self-identity about ourselves (whether we agree with these labels or otherwise)   
3. As we expand into the wider society, some more markers of identity get added – “ambitious, smart, hard-working, educated, funny, fast, etc”. And given that these are “relative” expressions (meaning that I am “hard-working” only in comparison with others who may not be as “hard-working” as me), these expressions get any sort of meaning only in comparison to others – these are not absolute labels applied independently.
4. Even an identity of a “male” or “female” gets a certain meaning only because an “other” exists. If all people in the society are “female”, identifying myself as a “female” becomes meaningless.
5. To conclude therefore, if there is no one in society except me, most of the markers of identity become meaningless. And without any identity, we do not even exist since what else we are other than some identity marker as unique to us (vis a vis the “others”).
6. Simply put – “We need people and people need us”.

Who do we need? Friends/ professional ecosystem

We often hear an argument – why marry a single person and be tied down to one? I have friends, I have a career, and pursuit of this gives me a sense of accomplishment that is more valuable than a marriage. For fun, I do have friends after all. It is a reasonable argument but let us explore this need for friends and/ or career.

1. Why do I need friends? I feel at home with them, they accept me as I am and they are fine with the labels that they have assigned me – “great company”, “funny”, “glutton”, “helpful”, etc. They do not do value judgement and accept these identity markers as unique and special and even value it.
2. Clearly, identity markers are important here too – and because I value these identity markers as unique and special, I value my friends. Note that I do not make friends with those who do not value these identity markers. Thus, simply put, I love my friends because I love myself (or my identity markers).
3. This is not limited to friends – even for those living within a large family, these markers get recognition from other family members living within the joint family. These could come from our own parents or siblings or cousins from the extended family.
4. What about career? The grades given by the company I work with, the ratings given by analysts who research my company, the rewards I earn from engaging in the activity of my company – all these are again a continuation of my seeking for identity markers from the world. This boosts my self-esteem, ego, my self-worth, etc.
5. Those who work alone (say in a forest and living only for subsistence) with no one around will certainly not get any labels such as “rich, skilled, happy etc” from anyone. It becomes a boring lifestyle. Even in modern era, there are research reports that suggest those who retire from active work and stay at home die early from sheer boredom, frustration, lack of self-esteem boosters, depression, etc.
6. Simply put, we need a wider society/ family to gain the wider personality markers. The choice between career or friends is really not a choice – in both, we are seeking some form of validation from some other persons.

I need a spouse

1. We need someone to validate us or test us at a deeper level.
2. People in office may never know my deepest vulnerabilities- only close family and a spouse know this. People outside or even friends will never know my deepest habits – we live our whole lives shielding some of our deepest habits from the world though at home, people around us know these and even value such aspects.
3. Validation of the deepest identity requires a spouse – someone who is there in difficult times, someone who is there to share our deepest moment of joy, someone who accepts me how I am and someone who is willing to put up with my nonsense at difficult times. This can often not even come from parents but can only come from a spouse.
4. And once a meeting of minds happens at such a deep level, that then becomes the true meaning of a “home” – not bricks and walls but people who accept me as I am (even though they may complain daily about how I am!!!)
5. There is a dialogue in a movie by a woman to a man and I am paraphrasing here – “Proof that I exist is because you are there. While society may know me via some labels, only you know the “real I” which I know about myself and value it to the maximum. Hence, I need you since I need me”.
6. Simply put, an unmarried person lives the life without a deeper connect – always dependent on external validation to gain superficial markers of identify recognition. This then becomes a lonely parasitic life really. A sad way to live despite superficially moving around all over the world in a fancy Yacht (though he/ she may be alone inside the Yacht 😂)

We must understand responsibility

An argument may come about now – I am not seeking any personal validation from others. I choose career to gain material prosperity which is essential for survival and meeting other needs, say travel (अर्थ) and I choose to be with friends for entertainment and company (काम). अर्थ and काम is all that I am seeking. And this is enough – Why marry if I am not seeking any validation from anyone?

And this brings us to the word “responsibility”. The value we get from anyone is only if we take up a responsibility. When we work in a company, we get salary, bonus, promotions, etc only when we take responsibility for the tasks assigned. And wider the responsibility, wider the material benefits. With friends too, those friends who decide which restaurants to go to, which order to make while eating, those who take initiative for travels, etc get a higher value. Those who merely live as parasites even among friends are eventually discarded or rejected from the group. There has to be a mutual give and take both within career and with friends too – simply put, those who take responsibility for the “other” (company and friends) gets to keep that relationship.

Those who shun marriage and prefer to live alone express that the responsibility of marriage is a burden they are avoiding. And thereby this keeps their mind lighter. But then, there is a responsibility that are taking in career and friendships too. Even अर्थ and काम will not happen to one does not take any responsibility.

And what does responsibility do? It pushes me to become creative, it tests my loyalty to the goals (of company and friendship), it gives me an opportunity to guide and advise others (because I care for colleagues, etc). Those who do not take any responsibility may thus be seen as a burden to the society, they are parasites or thieves who live off the wealth or wisdom of others since they never wish to take any burden on themselves. Thus, any sane and reasonable person never shies away from any act of responsibility.

Marriage imposes a higher burden

A good argument may be made here – I accept responsibility that I take up for career and with friends. To the extent I need अर्थ and काम, I am fine to take up responsibility. However, in a marriage, there is often no अर्थ or काम. We have to take care of kids and/ or parents who often do not give us anything in return. Even with spouses, we are often expected to serve with no counter benefit (as partners often take each other for granted). If there is certainty of अर्थ and काम, I will marry and maybe I will enter into a formal legal contract that guarantees these – but if there is no such certainty, why get into marriage at all? Therefore, career and friends are enough – do not push me into marriage!!!!!

We have now entered tricky territory!!!!! And we have to now turn to धर्म.

What does Dharma say?

1. Let us return to the choice given by आदि शंकर – संन्यास is taking the burden for the entire society when taking up संन्यास (instead of a popular image for running away from others). If one is not strong enough to take up this responsibility for the entire society, then one is encouraged to get married to take up the responsibility of a smaller family.
2. Validation of the deepest aspect of myself involves taking responsibility without expectations (निष्काम कर्म, as कृष्ण says in the श्रीमद्भगवद्गीता). Motherhood, for example, is one of the deepest bond. The joy of a mother cannot be replaced (despite the pain this brings). Surely, the mother does not enter into a contract with her baby to get अर्थ and काम in return from the baby  – but the joy of motherhood remains incomparable.
3. The real meaning of caring by those who are close to us at our own times of vulnerability cannot be replaced by a “service provider” – surely, a service provider can supplement but cannot replace. This much is elementary common-sense.
4. Whether when I am sick or when I am most happy, with whom would I love to be around with to share such moments? One may think that friends are good enough for this, but friends may either get too busy, or they may be leading confused lives themselves.
5. Simply put, validation of the deepest “I” can only come from a spouse only (not even parents who may be ‘out of date’ or siblings).
6. But the question may persist – why should I do something with nothing in return? And this is where धर्म says that the deepest responsibility also gives us something that is relevant from a धार्मिक perspective – it is an opportunity for accumulation of पुण्य or पाप क्षय or कर्म क्षय.
7. All the relationships we get into – whether in office or friends or at home are on account of something called as ऋणानुबंध. There is a debt owed to the other on account of previous कर्म – whether we FALL IN LOVE or come together on account of an office contract, people come together owing to an अनुबंध (mutual debt) they had in their past lives.  And this अनुबंध (mutual debt) gets exhausted ONLY by serving each other fully and completely. If the debt is not exhausted, another birth is inevitable 😂
8. Service to the other (forced or voluntary) is thus an opportunity for reducing this ऋणानुबंध. And पाप क्षय that comes from निष्काम कर्म is essential for चित्त शुद्धि (mental clarity) – and only a mind that has developed adequate amount of चित्त शुद्धि becomes eligible for ज्ञान. And why is the ज्ञान necessary? To free us, to elevate us, to know ourselves fully – that is the idea.
9. Marriage brings us face to face with the deepest I. Else, we are living with a superficial I watching movies or comedy shows and maybe acting as a CEO but the deepest I remains un-exposed to our own selves since this remains untested from the deepest responsibilities. Marriage brings us face to face with our own character – and in that naked contact with our minds, we know what we truly are.  And this truth about our own selves sets us free viz मोक्ष (not the mock freedom we allegedly get by not taking up any responsibility at all 😂)
10. Above all, marriage represents the coming together of शिव and उमा living as one. And the marriage on Earth that we enter into is nothing else but a replication of the marriage of शिव and उमा to eventually know ourselves fully as one with them. Else, we are merely living a life of labels but no connect with our own deepest I.
11. This is why आदि शंकर said that there are only two choices – a third choice of no responsibility is not a choice but a mere recipe for increase of ऋणानुबंध and thereby remain disconnected with our own true self. And since most in the society do not have the courage to take up सन्यासी and take a larger burden, marriage is an easier option but with similar benefits.

Note – there is another धार्मिक argument about पितृ ऋण but I am not elaborating on this here

Some modern questions may persist

Arguments – “What about love?  How do I know if all the above can really be met by marriage – what if I get a lousy partner? If I do not believe the धर्म variables (and past lives), I remain unsure about arguments given till now”.

So, let me make some reverse-psychology arguments –

1. Even when I join a company, I remain unsure if I will gain material goals I set out for myself.
2. Even if I go for a holiday to Kahna Forest, I remain unsure about whether I will sight tigers.
3. Even if I plan a holiday to Europe, I remain unsure if my trip will really yield joy to me as I had planned.

If uncertainty is self-evident for smaller aspects too, how is marriage expected to be any different? And therefore, should fear be the trigger for staying away from marriage or should this be evaluated in a more reasonable way without fear of uncertainty? Evaluate sensibly, explore with common sense and make the best call – whether arranged by oneself or arranged using help of others (parents, friends, etc).

And what about love? Love and romance can no doubt trigger coming together of people but ultimately, what exactly do we mean by love? Love means trust. No matter what happens, I am there for you – that is love (and that is trust too). And trust comes from character. Trust cannot come from contracts. Trust cannot come from having expectations only of अर्थ and काम. Trust comes from सेवा, from applying oneself without fail in good times and bad times. And it is this continuous application that truly creates love by deepening trust. And this can move mountains – as सावित्री even persuaded यम to modify the rules and give a long life to her husband. And it is this love that lasts and makes them eternal. And that is the idea of marriage that we must work to get into. Success of outcome is a mix of our पुरुषार्थ and our नियति – but certainly a worthy goal worth getting into since it reveals ourselves to ourselves. Deeply. How can then one stay away and remain unmarried !!!!!  

ॐ तत् सत्